It's Payback Time
by YeOldeStrangeOne
Summary: If you could get a free shot at Bill Cipher, wouldn't you take it? In which that blasted triangle is finally getting what's coming to him. Rating subject to change. Reviews/Criticisms appreciated!
1. What are you doing in my house!

**A/N: Hello Fanfiction! Introducing, yet another weirdo to join the fandoms, ME!**

 **So... I'm new here, and will most likely be jumping from fandom to fandom, BUT this one will always be my favourite. Gravity Falls FOREVER!** **This fic was born after finding a few too many lemon fics about Human!Bill Cipher breaking into a woman's room and asking for "help"... Yeah, I couldn't get the mental image out of my head for a looong time. So, to make the torture end, I wrote this story. In a nutshell, it's how I think people _should_ act if a powerless Bill Cipher showed up in your room *maniacal laughter*.**

 **Anyway...enough about me, y'all came here to *cough*hate-on*cough* read my story!** **I do not own Gravity Falls. Maria the OC and the plot are mine.**

* * *

Maria Woodgrove was a 19-year-old girl living in Gravity Falls, and just like the rest of the town's residents, she had her own... secrets. Being best friends with the Pines family, she knew a lot about the paranormal incidents of the area. One in particular being Bill Cipher, the most annoying triangle in the world.

He plagued her with nightmares and attempted to kill her best friends. She was working on a way to make him stop, but so far only succeeded in locking some of her own memories out of his reach. Maria used this to her advantage, while he believed her to be an ordinary helpless human, she could practice her powers in peace. Her friends knew about her powers, they knew she was a witch. She locked up those memories of her too. Maria knew that Bill would find out through them otherwise.

It seemed like an ordinary night when it happened, though that just made the situation a bit more awkward when it did. Maria was sitting on her bed, reading a book in a pink t-shirt and pyjama pants. She glanced at the clock, 10:30pm. She put the book down and reached over to her lamp to turn the light off, and wrapped the covers around herself. She had barely closed her eyes when she felt something heavy fall on her bed. Startled, Maria pressed herself against the headboard and turned on the lamp. There was a lump at the foot of her bed which looked to be about the size of... a person?

Ever so slowly, she reached under her bed for her baseball bat **(in case someone breaks in, duh!)**. She pulled back the covers to reveal a fair-skinned, shaggy-blonde man in a yellow tailcoat and white dress shirt, complete with black bow tie, black dress pants and shoes. On his head rested a black top heat, slightly obscuring his face.

Maria gulped, not sure what to do.

 _Scream, hit him, or call 911?_

Deciding that calling the cops would do nothing and screaming would simply alert him to her presence, she tenderly poked him with the bat. The man stirred slightly. She poked him again, a bit harder this time. He groaned and turned on his side, away from her.

 _This is getting ridiculous. The man broke into_ my _house, why should I wake him up as if he was invited?_

Maria gathered up her strength, scrunched herself into a ball, and let go, kicking the blonde as hard as she could, sending him falling off the foot of the bed. He hit the ground with a resounding _thud_ , which seemed to be enough to wake him up, seeing as he started screaming on the way down. "AAAAAH!" After hitting the ground, he slowly got up, holding the side of his head. He mumbled something Maria could just barely make out as, "Pain isn't as hilarious as it used to be."

That voice, it sounded so familiar. But she had never seen this man before. She searched her memories. The voice matched only one person... er, being. He whom she hated most.

"Bill..?" Maria whispered, incredulously.

"Yeah, Teardrop?" Bill answered.

Maria, getting over her initial shock, raised the bat threateningly (well, as threatening as on can be in their pyjamas). "What are you doing here?" she asked, her tone showing she meant business. "Whose body did you steal now, huh?!"

"Calm d—" Bill started, but she cut him off.

She yelled into the rest of the room, in hopes of communicating with the poor soul who had his body stolen, "Don't worry! I'll get your body back!"

"Maria!" Bill yelled, finally getting her attention.

"What?" she said icily.

"It's mine, the body's mine."

Her grip on the bat faltered for a second, before she gripped it even tighter, as if she was about to knock a home run with his head. "Explain, now."

"Heh, well, uh, funny st-story actually... I was, um... minding my own business...and..." he started nervously

"Get to the point, Cipher."

"I may or may not have made a deal which led me to be stuck in this body." He rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

"Details..?" Maria didn't quite believe him.

"Time Baby offered death or penance. So... I chose penance," he said gesturing to himself. "Apparently, penance means 'no powers'. So I'm...human...now..."

He faltered upon seeing the evil grin growing on Maria's face. She stood up off the bed, bat hanging from her right hand. She walked up to him and pulled on his bow tie, bringing his face to hers.

"So what you're saying," she waved her bat for emphasis, the horrifying smile still plastered on her face, "is that you have no powers. No way of reading thoughts or entering dreams, i.e. no way of fighting back?"

Bill gulped and nodded, sweating nervously. Maria looked him dead in the eye and whispered, "It's payback time." Bill, now fully terrified of the girl in front of him, bolted out the door, not caring that his bow tie had come off in the process. After a moment's hesitation, she ran after him, waving her bat in the air.

"Get back here, Cipher!"

* * *

 **Sooo, thoughts?**


	2. You are so dead, Cipher

**A/N: Thankyouthankyouthankyou. I got 4 followers and a REVIEW! It makes me so happy! /)^3^(\ Thanks for the support. I'm hoping that this next chapter will bring in a few more people.**

 **Thank you, single reviewer "just a psycho", I hope this chapter does not disappoint. :)**

 **Onto more pressing matters, I realized there were a few things a need to clear up in terms of the last chapter.**

 **This story takes place in time with the show, but since Bill is now... preoccupied *manical laughter*, he never got the Rift.**

 **In terms of Maria's description, she has long dark hair, brown eyes, and is about 5' 4". Her hair is currently tied up in a ponytail and she has side bangs with left parting. I don't really know if this is too much info, I just don't want it to be confusing in case I mention one of these characteristics and you end up getting confused. I made Bill about 6' 0" in this, just to help with the whole "I'm shorter than you, but I could kill you in an instant" vibe that Maria gets around him.**

 **One last thing, I am kind of on the fence if I should make this a three-shot goof story OR a 10 chapter proper story, with maybe some romance. I really need an opinion on this.**

 **Without further ado, on with the show!**

* * *

Maria ran down the stairs, hoping to catch Bill before he managed to get away. She heard a crash, and ran even faster. When she made it downstairs, she froze at the scene before her.

The front window was broken, the shattered pieces outside. Maria took a moment to look around and contemplate something.

H _ow in the name of all that is logical did he manage to- the toaster's missing._

She was cut off mid-rant when she looked to her kitchen counter and saw that her toaster, was indeed, gone from its spot on the counter.

 _Figures, moron can't even unlock a door. Whatever happened to Mister I-Know-Lots-Of-Things? *sigh* Gonna have to fix it now._

She waved her hand and it started glowing a dark purple. The glass shards went back into place, as if the window hadn't just been rammed by a maniac with a toaster.

Maria blinked...then face-palmed.

 _Why didn't I just zap him when I had the chance?_

After quickly making sure that Bill hadn't broken anything else, Maria went out the door and just managed to see a glimpse of yellow tailcoat disappear into the forest.

She briefly considered just leaving him out there and going to bed.

 _He can get eaten by a gremloblin for all I care. I'll take care of his remains in the morning._

So she went upstairs to her room... only to go back outside 5 minutes later with a backpack on her shoulder and her bat in hand.

 _Stupid big heart._

* * *

Dipper and Mabel were up star-gazing on the roof. Tonight was especially beautiful, and they didn't want to miss it. Mabel was wearing a blue sweater with the Big Dipper constellation, in light of the current activity. The twins were otherwise in their pyjamas, seeing as they were going to bed as soon as they were done.

They got up to leave, when they heard some rustling coming from the end of the driveway. Curious, they looked over and saw a well-dressed blonde man sprinting to the other end of the clearing as if his life depended on it **(which he honestly believed it did)**. A few moments later, they saw Maria emerge from the same spot, wearing her pyjamas and a backpack. She was waving a bat in the air and yelling at the man.

"Bill Cipher, you get back here or so help me I will throw you in the lake!" There was a purple glow around her hand, which flickered and went away.

Maria glared at her hand as if she expected as much. She had caught up to Bill fairly quickly, considering his head start. But he was new to running so his stumbling steps were easy to follow.

She paused a moment to catch her breath, taking a moment to look around. She caught a glance of the two 12-year-olds out of the corner of her eye. She walked up to the Shack and called up ,"Hey guys!"

The twins were still processing what they saw and hoping it was some sort of dream. Although, they both knew that anything is possible in Gravity Falls and that they should just roll with it. Dipper was the first to snap out of his daze. "Hey, Maria", he called down to her.

"What's up?" she called back.

Mabel spoke up. "Well, we _were_ star-gazing. Until you showed up ranting like a psycho. Seriously, who was that?"

"And why'd you call him 'Bill'?" Dipper asked.

"Those are very good questions my friends", Maria replied, in a goofy formal voice "Sadly, I cannot answer them in much detail, lest my prey escape. So I can only tell you this: He who I hunt is none other the the humanized Bill Cipher who lost his powers. If you wish to join me, grab your weapons and run."

With that, she sprinted off in the direction she last saw Bill run. The children took a moment to process everything. They looked to each other in silent questioning. Mabel shrugged and ran inside to get her grappling hook. Dipper followed suite, grabbing his vest, hat and backpack. The twins rushed outside yelling "Wait for us!"

* * *

Bill was freaked out of his mind. He had been running for what felt like hours (which, in reality was about 3 minutes). He was hiding behind a tree, breathing heavily and hoping with all hope that _she_ wouldn't find him. He chanced a look around the tree.

 _Still no sign of her._

He breathed a sigh of relief, closed his eyes, and leaned back against the tree, sliding down to the ground. _I finally lost her._

However, his victory was short-lived as he heard rustling coming from his right. He looked over and what he saw made his blood run cold. Standing over him was none other than Maria in all her scary glory. Her mouth was twisted into a feral snarl, almost an evil grin. The bat was gripped tightly in her right hand. Panting, she growled "You are in a world of trouble."

Bill made a move to run in the opposite direction when Dipper and Mabel emerged from the bushes, with their own weapons in hand. He was about to try running Dipper over, seeing as the wimp-like boy seemed like the one least likely to put up a fight, when he was literally frozen to the spot. A purple glow surrounded him, restricting his ability to run. Bill was slowly starting to float off the ground, thrashing wildly until until he was a good 6 feet in the air. Panic swept through him as he wondered what sort of power had captured him. He looked around frantically, hoping that one of his pursuers would save him. That's when he saw it. Maria had her eyes wide open, but they weren't their usual warm brown color. They glowed dark purple, and her hand had was engulfed in the same color.

Bill watched in horror, thoughts racing with how he couldn't have known this before. Maria stomped off towards a clearing, a permanent scowl plastered on her face and Bill and the children following behind her. She released Bill, who landed on the ground none too gracefully. He looked around, trying to get his bearings. He watched as both of Maria's hands glowed and rocks rose out of the ground, sealing the four of them in the meadow.

Maria collapsed, sweating from over-exertion. She looked around a moment, making sure that there was no way that anyone could get in or out. Standing up, she stretched for a moment and addressed Bill.

"Bill, you have _no idea_ how mad I am right now." she took a step towards him. Holding her hands out, dark purple flames appeared in her open palms, and her eyes were seemingly on fire.

Bill scrambled backwards, hoping to get away from the monster in front of him. He kept going until his back hit the wall.

"Maria, you gotta calm down." Mabel said.

Maria looked to Mabel "Mabel, do you know what he's done in the past half hour?" She pointed at Bill. "He appeared in my bedroom, broke my freakin' window, and had me chase him through the entire forest! And don't even get me started on what he's done to the two of you all Summer."

"Look." Mabel said, holding her hands up in a placating gesture. "You can have revenge on him for all that stuff in a minute. Just take a deep breath, you look like you're gonna flat out murder him!"

Maria breathed deeply, the fire in her eyes dimming slightly.

"Good." Mabel nodded approvingly "Now, before you do anything, me and Dipdop get a turn."

Dipper walked up to Bill and pulled a piece of paper out of his backpack. He cleared his throat and said "Bill, for taking my body and virtually hospitalizing me, Mabel and I have a few things we would like to do in return."

"Ha! Do your worst, Pine Tree. Pain's hilarious, remember?" Bill grinned, hiding the fact that pain wasn't all that amusing to him anymore.

"Who said anything about pain?" Mabel spoke cheerily.

She picked a long blade of grass off the ground and began to tickle him. Bill laughed impulsively.

"Ha-ha-ha! STOP! Haha! Aagh, body spasms!"

Dipper soon joined in, the two children giggling the whole time. Maria watched the scene in front of her and her scowl softened slightly. She was always a sap for laughter. The twins got up, out of breath and feeling rather satisfied.

"Well that was fun." Dipper said.

"Agreed, bro-bro." Mabel replied.

After tickle torture, Bill was feeling a bit more like his old self. So much so, in fact, that he got a bit smug. He wiped a tear from his eye and stood up.

"Alright, my turn." Maria said to the twins.

She looked at Bill, who seemed to think the worst of it was over. His expression made her temper rise again.

"Munchkins, I'm going to have to ask you to leave", Maria said through gritted teeth.

She motioned with her hand and an opening appeared. Bill tried to run for it... only to run into an invisible wall. He watched, holding his nose, as the twins began to walk out.

"You're not gonna kill him, are you?" Mabel asked quietly.

"Depends on how this goes." Maria replied, staring coldly at Bill.

Just as the twins were about to walk out, Dipper hesitated. He glanced at Bill, giving him an almost apologetic look. The opening was sealed behind them. Maria forced herself to relax. She walked up to Bill, who was now confused. He thought nothing of the situation though, already forgetting the danger he was in.

"Sooo, why'd you get them to leave?" Bill asked. He searched whatever memory he had left for a possible reason. The one he came up with made him smile mischievously. "Usually in this situation the girl tries to make out with the guy, and considering my form, I think that fits the bill."

His response made Maria turn beet red, though it was hard to tell in the moonlight why.

"What?" There was a fair amount of venom in her tone.

"Sure, two teenagers alone and they-" Bill was cut off from his explanation by a fist to the face.

"What makes you think that that is even _remotely_ possible?" Maria said, almost fully enraged. Bill never had to deal with an infuriated female before, at least not without being able to obliterate her or run away. So consequently, he made the situation worse for himself.

"Look, I get that you're at the mating phase of your life. Where reproduction is a top priority due to hormonal imbalance." Bill continued to speak, not noticing the purple flames growing around Maria.

"Cipher, I am going to give you one more chance to redeem yourself." She snarled, already failing to contain herself. "Shut up now and say sorry for _everything,_ including your little _explanation_ , or risk dealing with, as you so adequately put it, a 'hormonal teenager'."

"Ha! How bad could you be?" Bill said tauntingly.

 _That's it._

* * *

Dipper and Mabel were sitting outside the clearing, patiently waiting for Maria to let them back in.

"Hey Mabel?" Dipper started.

"Yeah, bro-bro?" Mabel replied.

"Should we have left the two of them alone like that?"

"Why? Maria can take care of herself."

"It's not Maria I'm worried about." he said slowly.

Just then, they heard an explosion and looked to see the clearing explode, a column of purple fire rushing towards the sky like a volcano.

"I think you might be right..." Mabel said.

* * *

 **So what do you think? Some reviews would be _greatly_ appreciated. Seriously, flames, compliments, ratings... I just want to know what y'all are thinking about this. It would be nice to know you care. **

**I would have kept going, but I realized it was getting kind of long. So tune in next week(-ish) for the next chapter!**


	3. I need a Snickers

**And we're back! I managed to find some extra time to update this chapter earlier.**

 **Before I start, I just want to say how much I appreciate all of you. Seriously. This is my first story, and I'm glad you all like it so much. *squeals* Okay, okay, I'm done. No more over excitement over reviews and follows... right after this: thankyouthankyouthankyou.**

 **In reply to the Guest who offered me a pile of cookies and an emoticon army with hashtag servants, I would just like to let you know that they are greatly appreciated and shall be used in feeding my muse and doing her bidding.**

 **The votes are in and the verdict is.. this fic will take on a romantic turn! Not very soon, but there will be subtle hints until then.**

* * *

Maria had had enough of Bill's smart alecky nature. She had exploded... literally. The swirling, mass of rage had come rushing forth, dealing damage to the space around her. There was a 3-foot long crater around her feet. The rest of the clearing was still looking pretty good. It was a good thing she had brought him to her training area. It had a spell she had put on it to regenerate itself and contain her magic, just in case something went wrong during training.

Bill was flat against the opposite wall. His clothes were torn and burned, and his face was red. The spell had protected him from too much damage, but he was still pretty worse for wear. His eyes were wide, reflecting shock, fear and... was that admiration? Approval? _What?_

Maria was confused, her aggressive stance dropping for a second, but she quickly regained it on account of her lingering anger. She contemplated beating him senseless with the bat, only to find she had lost it to the flames. Maria didn't think much of it, she could always conjure up a new one if need be.

"You done?" Bill groaned from his position on the wall.

"Had enough?" Maria shot back.

"I don't know. You gonna let the kids back in now or what?" He was smiling. _Why was he smiling?!_

Maria grew wary. What could he possibly have in mind?

 _Screw it. I am going to wipe that stupid smile off his face._

"Hey Bill?" Maria said sweetly. "You ever thought about flying?"

"Pssh, I can fly no problem" Bill said confidently.

"Oh yeah? Let's see you try." She snapped her fingers and Bill disappeared.

* * *

Dipper and Mabel were a bit shaken up by the explosion. They tried to find some way to get Maria's attention, to make sure that she was okay. Last time that happened was when she had trained for 3 days straight without sleep. Dipper had broken her pencil, and in her sleep deprived state, let's just say she wasn't exactly thinking clearly.

They called her name and tried to throw rocks over the wall to get her attention, to no avail. The gave up and sat down in the grass.

"Maria's obviously not done yet." Dipper said deep in thought.

They heard screaming, but it wasn't coming from inside the clearing. The twins looked up to see Bill, plummeting from 500 feet in the sky.

"Don't see that everyday." Dipper muttered.

They continued staring for about 3 seconds before Mabel came to a decision.

"Well, there's no use worrying, Dip. We obviously can't do anything out here, so let's sit back, relax, and enjoy the show!" she said before scampering up a tree to get a better view.

"Guess she's right" Dipper said before following her up.

"Hey Dippingsauce, you got anything to eat?"

He searched through his backpack. "Got some granola bars." He took one out and gave it to his sister and pulled out another for himself.

The twins happily munched on some granola bars as they watched their friend take care of their tormentor.

* * *

Bill didn't know what was happening. One second he was pressed against the wall, the next he's so far up that he can see Mexico. His head didn't think much of it, but his heart went insane pumping adrenaline into his body.

As the ground rushed up to meet him, he flapped his arms uselessly, trying to find some way to slow down. The clearing came into view and he was sure he was about to get squashed like a pancake.

Meanwhile, Maria watched as the little yellow dot in the sky grew bigger and bigger until it was recognizable.

 _3...2...1..._

Maria snapped her fingers, causing Bill to freeze two inches above the ground. His breathing was rapid and shallow. He had his hands up in a futile attempt to shield his face.

Upon realizing that he wasn't dead, Bill looked around hesitantly, his eyes wide with fear. When his gaze landed on Maria, he swallowed painfully. She let him drop the rest of the way. He gathered himself into a sitting position.

"Wanna do it again?" Maria chirped happily.

Bill was having a hard time forming words, his heart beating too fast. He shook his head slowly. He took stock of his situation. He had been human for less than an hour, and had already managed to one: anger a sleep-deprived female (he duly noted never to make that mistake again), two: be humiliated and reduced to a serious mess, and three: he had experienced many new feelings.

He experienced the chemical reactions for fear, nervousness, pride, surprise, and... what was that last one? There was a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach. He tried to search through his ever shrinking knowledge for an answer, but only came up with a conversation a father had had with his son.

 _Son, you may notice a change in your body. You might start thinking differently about girls. These feelings will come from your gut when you find one attractive. It may seem confusing, but it's a part of life._

Attractive? He found a human attractive?

 _Stupid meatbag of a body! Who has it attached itself...to..._

He realized the answer upon looking at Maria's close proximity to him and feeling his heart beat faster.

 _Stop beating! Why do you keep doing this, you stupid organ?! First, the adrenaline rush, now this?!_

Maria had crouched down next to Bill without his noticing. She had gotten a bit worried when he didn't respond to her latest question.

"Yo! Bill! You okay?" She waved her hand in front of his face to elicit some sort of reaction.

He seemed to snap out of his trance, but appeared to become more flustered when his eyes focused on her.

 _Would it really be so bad it I ripped this thing out?_ Bill thought, becoming even more angry at how fast his blood was flowing and tinting his cheeks.

Maria was baffled slightly, but shrugged it off as Bill being Bill. She made the rocks go back into the ground. The twins ran into the clearing. Dipper was the first to see Bill.

"Whoa. Maria, what happened to him?" he asked.

"I think I broke him." Maria replied, scratching her head nervously.

Mabel meanwhile, had decided to investigate for herself. She checked Bill's temperature with the back of her hand.

 _Warm._

She put her ear to his chest and heard his heart beat quickly. Then, she checked his eyes. They were wide so it wasn't too hard to check them. His gaze was hard in thought as he looked at the girl. She turned his head to face Dipper. Same reaction, only now slightly puzzled. She turned his head to face Maria... his pupils dilated, his heart beat so hard and fast she could hear it without having to strain her ears, he turned slightly pink, and his temperature increased.

The self-proclaimed matchmaker couldn't believe it. Bill Cipher was in love with Maria Woodgrove?

 _I SHIP IT! They could be Baria or.. MarBill!_

"Hey Mabel!" Maria called to the hyperactive girl, who was trying to contain her joy at a matchmaking opportunity. "Whatcha up to?"

"Just making sure he was still alive." the younger girl lied.

Maria shrugged, satisfied with the answer. She turned her attention back to Dipper.

"You know we can't just leave him here." The boy said anxiously.

"Why not? It's perfectly safe." Maria replied.

"Did you forget about the time I left my backpack here overnight?"

"You mean the time we found it ripped to shreds?"

"Yeah. I know Bill's done bad things, but he doesn't have the magic to protect himself from the forest anymore."

"If you're so worried about him, why don't you take him home?" Maria said growing irritated.

"We-" Dipper was cut off by his sister.

"We can't take him home! Grunkle Stan would break out the ol' shotgun and Great Uncle Ford would get his future-y laser gun. They'd blow his head off before he'd even set foot in the door!" Mabel cried.

"Fine," Maria groaned "But he sleeps in the basement and you two have to help me take care of him."

"Deal." The twins replied in unison, conveniently leaving out the fact that they were going home in a week.

Maria turned and started to walk home. She turned to Bill, who was huddled up on the ground with his arms around his legs.

"Come on, Bill" Maria said. When he didn't move, she yelled "MARCH, CIPHER!"

He immediately got up and wobbled after her. Maria sighed, wiping a hand down her face.

 _I need a Snickers._

The two of them started the trip home, but halfway there, Bill tripped on a root and fell on his face.

"Get up." Maria said tiredly.

"Can't." was Bill's muffled response. "Just carry me or something"

"Fine," Maria grumbled while the familiar glow surrounded him, "but I am making you hit every branch on the way there."

* * *

When the house finally came into view, put Bill down and made him walk the rest of the way. She opened the door and led him to the basement.

"You will be staying here." She gestured to the couch.

The basement was pretty well furnished, so Maria figured he wouldn't have any complaints about it. She went upstairs and searched through her clothes until she found one of her brother's old shirts and a pair of baggy sweatpants.

Maria went back downstairs and found Bill right where she'd left him, standing dazedly at the door. She handed him the clothes.

"What are these for?" He asked.

"You need to change out of the ones you're in." Maria replied.

"Why?"

She raised an eyebrow incredulously. "Have you _seen_ yourself?"

Bill looked down at his attire, which was torn and dirty. One of the coattails were missing, his yellow coat was so dirty it looked like the original color was brown, and his bowtie and hat were missing.

He took off his tailcoat and was about to do the same to his dress shirt-

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Go to the bathroom!" Maria shouted, raising her hands and turning her head away. "Its down the hall. Go wash up and change _over there_."

Maria turned to leave. "Oh, and Cipher?"

"Yeah?"

"Take one step on the second floor and you're dead. Understood?"

"Y-yes, m-ma'am." He stammered nervously.

Maria went upstairs, got cleaned up, and changed. She wore a pink tank top and some grey knee length shorts. After disposing of her destroyed clothing, she went to sleep hoping this was all a dream.

* * *

 **In regards to 'the talk' I put in, I'm a girl so I don't really know how the guys get their talks. This is my best guess, after a bit of research.**

 **I know it's not exactly my best work. I got so stuck when it came to getting Bill to lose his cool. The original scene I had planned for this was pretty stupidly written so I had to redo it to have it make more sense.**

 **So, thoughts?**


	4. Lessons

**Say hello to Chapter 4.**

* * *

Maria woke up at 7:00 am to the sun streaming in through the windows. It was a beautiful... what day was it? It was Saturday. A day of peace and relaxation. Maria sat up and stretched, taking in the calming feeling of the sun on her face. She felt something furry at her feet.

 _Did I mess up the growth spell again?_ she thought, thinking back to when she had used it on her blanket and all the fuzz had gotten everywhere.

Maria, puzzled and curious, lifted away the covers to check the damage of her failed growth spell.. only to find a blonde man snoring peacefully with her feet in his hair. She screamed, causing him to fall off the bed. Now that she was fully awake, the memories from the night before came rushing back.

"Bill, what did I tell you about coming upstairs?" she yelled at the groaning man on the ground.

He sat up and offered his meek explanation. "I got scared... and lonely." He mumbled that last part barely loud enough for Maria to hear.

"You've been alone in the Mindscape for thousands of years, how could you not spend one night in my basement?" Maria asked incredulously.

"Well, that was _before_ I got a human body, that apparently came with the rationality that being alone is a bad thing."

Maria sighed tiredly. It was too early for this kind of nonsense.

"Just go downstairs, I need to get dressed." she instructed.

Bill smirked and got up. "Why? It's not like I haven't seen you naked before." He said in an obnoxious voice.

Truth be told, memories like that kind of went out the window with his powers. But that didn't mean he didn't want to 'refresh' them.

Maria's face turned pink, mostly because it was embarrassing to hear a guy say that. The shock only lasted a moment before it turned into rage.

"GET OUT!"

He smirked, as if giving her the silent challenge of 'Make me'. So Maria got out of bed and dragged him out by the ear. She threw him on his back before slamming the door in his face. Just to make sure, she spawned an anvil outside the door. Upon hearing the scared yelp, she grumbled her way to her closet to get dressed.

 _Stupid, Cipher. What a stinkin' wise guy. Who does he think he is? Moron..._

Bill, meanwhile, had his hair pinned under an anvil. The thing had missed his face by mere inches. He wasn't sure if she was trying to squish him or scare him, but he wasn't going to risk it again...yet. Now, he was trying to find a way to get the heavy object off. After several failed attempts, he managed to tip it over and escape.

 _Well that was fun._

He made his way to the kitchen and sat down on a stool to wait for Maria. She came down a few minutes later dressed in a blue unzipped hoodie, an orange t-shirt, and grey sweatpants.

"You look like Pine Tree." Bill stated.

"You got a problem with that?" Maria snapped back.

She breathed deeply to calm her rising anger.

 _Just breathe._

She walked to the fridge and got the ingredients to make some pancakes. Bill watched as she mixed them all together, her mood improving with the task at hand.

He watched as Maria took out a pan and proceeded to fry some pancakes for herself. She hummed a little tune to pass the time a bit. After she had made the first pancake, she sat down to eat while the other was sizzling. Bill watched her movements, taking note on how to use the utensils. He needed to eat now, after all.

The second pancake was finished and put in front of him. He picked up the fork and picked up the whole pancake, which slipped off and fell on the floor.

"Bill! That was a perfectly good pancake!" Maria complained in between bites.

She sighed. Feeling a bit lazy, she just levitated it to the trash can.

"Wish I still had magic." Bill grumbled.

"Glad you don't, jerkface." Maria replied finishing her pancake.

She went back to the stove to flip the other pancake. Just then, an idea occurred to him. He walked up to Maria and leaned down next to her before whispering in her ear.

"I still have this magic."

Maria leaned away from him, obviously uncomfortable by the lack of personal space. She looked at his deviously smiling face.

"What magic?" She asked slowly.

What she didn't know was that Mr. Cipher over here had been discovering the wonders of static electricity. He had woken up at about 3 am to the static shocking of his blanket and decided to harness it as some form of weaponry. So he had gotten the socks from his old suit and begun to rub his feet on the carpet. He had gone up to Maria's room before in hopes of finding her awake and using it against her, only to find her sleeping peacefully.

Now, he was standing, fully-charged, in front of the very bewildered Maria. He touched her side, causing the energy to zap her. She yelped and jumped backwards, the static shock taking her by surprise. She fell on her bottom as Bill ran out laughing, not wanting to wait for the repercussions.

Maria got up rubbing her back. She had two options: screw him over now or continue eating. She chose the latter, not wanting to get all riled up without breakfast. She finished making two stacks of pancakes. One for her and one for Bill in case he was hungry. Don't think she made it that easy for him, though.

Maria had made one pancake into the shape of a triangle, put a slit in the middle to look like an eye, and taken a bite out of it. She had then put the pancake in the middle of Bill's stack.

After finishing her own, Maria went upstairs to plan out the rest of her day. 20 minutes later, she heard panicked screaming followed by a loud _thump_ , and she felt her mood lighten a bit.

* * *

Maria quickly realized that when Bill lost his powers, he also lost _huge_ chunks of memory. He only remembered basic things that anyone would know about themselves and anything else involving the rest of the world. Unfortunately, that didn't include how to use indoor plumbing.

That was an issue for a good chunk of the morning. She had to call up Dipper to help out. Well, more like give the whole lesson. She was _so_ not teaching him.

The lesson went pretty well, but Bill's aim was a bit off, thus leaving the bathroom as a pretty big mess by the end, as well as Dipper's sanity. _He_ looked about ready to burst into flames. Maria knew why, as she had passed the door while the lesson was going on.

"So... like this?" Bill's voice was heard saying.

"Yeah, you just... aim for the toilet." Dipper awkwardly suggested.

"Could you give a demonstration?"

"What?!"

Maria guessed he had shrugged at this point, before he said simply. "Visuals help."

"Umm... okay..."

The sound of unzipping was heard.

"Why's yours so small?" Bill questioned.

"What?" Dipper asked, obviously offended.

"It's tiny."

"I'm 12! It's supposed to be that small!"

"I don't think so."

"Just shut up and the use the stupid toilet."

Dipper wasn't too happy when he came out 10 minutes later. Yeah, not a fun morning.

 _Now that that lesson was out of the way, there wouldn't be any major problems from here on out, right?_

Wrong!

By noon, Maria realized she needed to replenish the items in her fridge, and that called for a shopping trip. She couldn't very well leave Bill home by himself. He'd probably find some way to burn the house down. There was also the fact that she needed to get him some clothes.

That was how Maria found herself at the local supermarket, pushing a shopping cart with one hand and cutting off the circulation in Bill's wrist with the other.

He wouldn't stop bothering the other patrons and he fumbled with items they didn't need to buy. It was like taking care of a child, except a child would pout and sit in the cart. Maria got weird looks when she did _that_ the first few times. It wasn't too bad since there wasn't much to do at a supermarket, but the clothing store was a whole 'nother story.

The first few minutes were spent getting Bill some proper clothes, he was still wearing the ones Maria had given him. Bill didn't mind, obviously not noticing the weird looks people gave him for the too-short pants.

The exposure to society wasn't exactly having the desired effect on him. Instead of knowing when to shut up, Bill couldn't keep his mouth shut as he 'commented' on others' clothing.

"Ha! Look at how low his pants are! And look at that woman, she's pretending to be 15!"

Maria could only skulk on in embarrassment, trying her very best to send out the message 'I don't know him'.

Bill was perfectly well aware how he was annoying her, he just thought it was too funny... until Maria threatened to feed him triangle-shaped pancakes for a week.

"...and I won't let you eat _anything_ else."

"No! I'll stop, I'll stop! Just don't show me edible mini-mes again!" Bill cried, horrified.

"Say you're sorry." Maria said patronizingly.

"I'm sorry... that people don't dress properly." he mumbled.

"That doesn't count. I think I'll make some triangular cookies, too..." she turned to leave.

"Okay, fine! I'm sorry for being rude to my fellow patrons." he said desperately.

"Much better. Now let's go get you some clothes."

It didn't take long to find the men's clothing section. Maria started browsing, sometimes holding up clothes to see if they would fit Bill. Bill, on the other hand, was also browsing. He didn't really know what to look for, so he just listened to some of the other shoppers' conversations. He had heard a few lovey-dovey conversations between couples and decided to save those away for later. He heard some pick-up lines too, and made a mental note to try them on Maria when he could.

By the time she was done, Maria had a cart was full of trendy clothing that would make the wearer seem pretty cool, and in Bill's case, _normal._ Bill looked at the clothes and grimaced.

"I'll only wear yellow tops, no compromise."

"Bill, too much yellow is going to make you look like a taxi cab."

"Does that mean I can pick you up?"

"What?"

After much debate (and strange pick-up lines), Bill's wardrobe consisted of black jeans, a pair of black-and-white Converses, and a yellow hoodie with his original brick pattern. After a bit more searching, Bill had also managed to find a top hat to replace his old one. (I think it's a given that they got undies and socks, too.)

Maria paid for those right when they'd picked them out so he wouldn't have to go around in what was essentially pyjamas.

Then she went back to get him some pyjama pants that were covered in yellow triangles and a plain grey t-shirt. Afterwards, she found herself a beige fedora and some hair pins.

Maria swore he still had some sort of magic with how fast he disappeared after that. I mean, how can it be that easy to lose a 6 ft man among 5 ft clothing racks? What puzzled her the most is that she found him in the underwear section.

The _women's_ underwear section.

How he even managed to find it in the first place was a mystery.

Maria could only imagine the perverted guesses going through the clerk's head when she had to drag Bill out of there.

"Wait! I still need to figure out why they would need to be triangles!"

"Bill, you need to behave yourself." she hissed while holding his sleeve and dragging him back to the cart. "You can't just do anything you want anymore."

"How come?" he asked, already having a slight idea as to what the answer would be.

"Because you are no longer an invisible dream demon, meaning you can't look at anything you want to just 'cause you feel like it." They had reached the cart by now, but Maria refused to let go, in case he tried to run away again. "Honestly, you must have retained _something_ about human conduct without me having to threaten you."

Bill took a moment to consider his options here. He knew that if he kept doing this, then Maria would blow her top like last night... but at the same time, he _wanted_ her to be mad. He had remembered a conversation between a mother and her daughter from earlier.

 _Honey, I'm only mad because I care about you._

If Maria was mad at him, that means she cared, right? So naturally, the more mad she is, the more she cares, right?

"Sorry, Moonlight, but I am going to do what I want. I don't care what any of these meatbags think, not even you." Bill said haughtily.

"Fine then." Maria huffed. "I'll just finish up my shopping and go home. When you fall off your little throne in the sky, you can too."

And with that, she paid for the items and left.

It took Bill about 30 seconds to realize she wasn't coming back. He bolted out of the store, hoping to catch up, but couldn't see her anywhere.

Feeling defeated, he slumped against the wall.

 _Note #22 about humans: Humans are mad when they care, they don't care when they're mad._

* * *

Maria watched from behind one of the shops. She had slipped into the alley, knowing Bill wouldn't be too far behind. She watched as he sat on the ground, feeling a pang of guilt at his crushed expression. Her conscience was screaming at her to go back and cheer him up.

 _I'll go back to get him in a few minutes. He needs to learn that he can't do stuff like that and get away with it._

She watched as he sat there and curled into a ball, his head in his hands. He seemed to be sobbing. Some of the other patrons passed by and tried to comfort him, but he didn't move. After 5 minutes of watching the sad scene in front of her, Maria gathered her bags and went to confront the ball of sorrow.

She poked him a few times, but upon receiving no reaction, she just pushed him over onto his side.

Bill looked up, expecting to see another worried shopper, only to find Maria with her hands on her hips. His expression immediately brightened, but he was wary. What if this was a hallucination? Humans go those, didn't they? He got up slowly, never taking his eyes off of the girl in front of him. He swallowed, throat thick from crying.

"Maria?" he said, hoping she was the real one.

"Yes, jerkface?" Maria replied in a sarcastically sweet tone.

It _was_ her! He smiled brightly before trapping her in a bone-crushing hug.

"I'msorrypleaseforgivemeIwon'tdoitagaindon'tleave!" he said in one rushed sentence.

Some elderly ladies were passing by and when they saw the two, one of them said to the others "Ah, young love."

Bill heard and turned pink, but didn't let go. Maria was too busy trying to breathe.

"Bill, you can... let go... now." she said in strangled gasps.

He let go, still smiling, but it wasn't his usual snarky smirk. The warm smile on Bill's face was enough to make Maria's heart melt.

 _Maybe there is some good in him._

* * *

 **An attempt at writing something other than humor. Any thoughts about it?**


	5. Day at the Pines'

**Chapter 5, halfway there, peoplez!**

 **You ever get stuck? Like literally _no_ inspiration, then you get something, spend all week working on it, then realize right before you post it that it doesn't make sense? I had this really feelsy chapter all written up, then I look at it and go "Yo, that doesn't make sense right now." That was _Thursday_ , so now I'm moving that one to Chapter 7 and moving the original Chapter 6 here and the entire story is taking this weird shift. ****Oi...**

 **Okay, rant over. Sorry this is kinda late. Stupid muse, why don't you appreciate those hashtag servants?!**

 **One last thing, since this is basically an AU where Bill doesn't get the Rift, that moment when Mabel ran into the forest was resolved pretty quickly. Y'know, talking it out and sibling bonding for both sets of twins.**

* * *

Sunday passed by fairly uneventfully, and before Maria even knew it, the dreaded Monday had arrived.

She had to go to work in an hour and had almost no idea what to do; leaving Bill at home by himself could end in disaster. His curiosity about how the stove worked had proven that yesterday. She had no other choice but to leave him with the Pines, no matter how badly it could end.

The two of them now stood on the porch of the Mystery Shack. Maria was dressed in a short black and white striped dress with a blue vest over top, and black tights. She had her hair pinned back with a headband, leaving her bangs on her face. Bill still had his sweater, but had insisted that Maria sew a bow tie on to it. His top hat sat proudly atop his head.

Maria was about to knock on the door when Bill spoke up.

"I really don't see why I can't stay at the house by myself." he said defiantly "I'm thousands of years old! If that's not maturity, I don't know what is."

"Bill, you have the attention span of a 5-year-old." she deadpanned.

"I do no- Hey look! A butterfly!" Bill cried before making a move to chase after it.

"You're so immature it's not even funny" Maria grumbled as she grabbed his hood.

She knocked on the door and waited tensely.

"I got it!" Mabel yelled from inside.

Mabel opened the door and Maria breathed a sigh of relief that it wasn't Stan.

"Hey Maria! What's up?"

"I need you to watch Bill for me." Maria rushed through her sentence "I have work in an hour and he needs supervision."

"Hey, who's at the door?" Dipper said as he walked down the stairs, holding a big tarp-covered jar. He peeked out from behind it. "Oh, hey guys."

"Please, it's only for a few hours." Maria practically begged of Mabel.

"Say no more sister! We got this!" Mabel puffed out her chest with pride.

"Uh, Mabel? Aren't you forgetting something?" Dipper interjected, tucking the jar under his arm.

"Oh yeah!" She ran upstairs before coming back down wearing a gold sweater with the words "Big Sister" imprinted on the front.

Dipper face-palmed. "Not the sweater." he groaned "Did you ask Stan and Ford if this was okay?"

"Oh yeah... heh, guess I forgot." Mabel said giggled nervously. She twirled her fingers around her head in the crazy gesture and made the 'Bleep-blop' sound effect.

"I'll go talk to Ford. I needed to give him something anyway." Dipper went downstairs cradling the jar.

Mabel led Bill to the couch and sat him down. Stan walked in dressed in his Mr. Mystery outfit and sipping some Pitt Cola. When he saw Bill, he did a spit take.

"Mabel, how many times have I told you not to bring in random guys off the street?!"

"Uh, Stan?" Maria waved from the doorway. "I brought him here."

Stan looked at her moment, finally noticing her presence. He squinted suspiciously.

"And he is on my couch because..?"

"I just need you to watch him for a bit. I'll explain the rest when Ford gets here."

"Explain what?" Ford asked as he stepped into the hallway.

"Oh! Uh, hey! St-Stanford, how you been?" Maria stuttered as she blocked his way.

"Maria." He nodded curtly.

The two of them hadn't had the best of experiences together. Long story short, when they met, Stanford had been holding a gun to her head yelling something along the lines of "Die, evil creature!" while Maria was playing 'levi-tag' with the twins.

Stanford tried to walk past Maria but she just moved to block his path again.

"Wait," she started "Before you go in there, just promise me you won't do anything stupid."

"And why should I?" he said as he tried to shove her way, to no avail as she simply gave herself a bit of extra strength with her magic.

"You seriously owe me for the whole exorcism thing." she threatened, thinking back to when Ford had captured her under the assumption she was possessed.

Ford pondered it a moment. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Alright, fine." he said sternly. He stepped forward, Maria pushed him back.

"No, I mean it. Promise me you won't freak out and try to kill him."

"Excuse me? _Him_?"

"Promise." Maria said, desperation in her eyes. "And don't be crossing any fingers, not even that sixth one!"

"I promise I won't hurt whatever _friend_ you're so scared to show me." Ford sighed exasperatedly.

Maria was still a little hesitant as she led him to the living room.

"Heya Sixer!" Bill cheerily greeted the old man. Ford squinted at him warily.

"Stan, Ford, this is Bill... Cipher." she gestured towards the blonde on the couch, cringing when she said his last name.

Alarm bells went off in Ford's head as his suspicions were confirmed, and he had his gun drawn before anyone could blink.

"Wait! You promised!" Maria cried.

Ford wouldn't back down. "Who'd you make a deal with to get that body?!"

"Just let me explain-" she gets cut off.

"WHO?!"

 _Screw diplomacy. Ford, you brought this on yourself._

The dark purple glow surrounded Ford as the gun was wrenched from his hands, which were then pulled behind his back. He was forced to his knees and continued yelling until Maria muttered a spell causing no sound to come out of his mouth.

"Did Grunkle Ford ever break a promise as a kid?" Mabel whispered to Stan.

"Yeah, and he lost his library privileges for a week every time, but I'm pretty sure Ma would have loved to do this instead." Stan whispered back while forcing back a chuckle.

"Ford, you _promised_ you wouldn't do anything like that." Maria complained.

Ford glared as if to say "And you promised you wouldn't use magic on me" before sighing and waiting for her to continue.

"We cool, Stan?" Maria tiredly asked.

"What?" Stan asked distractedly, trying not to laugh at his brother's situation and utterly failing. "Oh, yeah, sure. I won't interrupt. Isn't that right, Fordsy?"

Ford gave Stan a death glare that gave the simple message "Keep laughing, and I'll murder you and hide the body."

"Good." Maria continued "Now, as I was saying before I was so _rudely_ interrupted... I need you guys to watch Bill for a bit. No, he did not possess anybody. No, he is no longer a dream demon. No, you can't kill him, _Ford_. I'll be back for him when my shift ends at 5."

Bill raised his hand. "Question: Don't I get a say in this?"

"No, and Bill I swear if you don't behave yourself that I will feed _them_ triangle cookies, with little top hats, and I'll make you watch."

"Yeah, yeah..." he muttered dejectedly as he slumped in his spot.

Maria looked at her watch. "Holy cow! I gotta get to work. Mabel, you're in charge of him."

She rushed out the door yelling quick goodbyes and releasing her hold on Ford.

The other 5 looked at each other in bewilderment for a moment. Ford glared at Bill before returning to the basement muttering about how he needed to find counter-spells. Stan shrugged and went back to giving his tours. Dipper got a book from his room and sat down in Stan's chair to read it. Mabel yanked Bill off the couch and dragged him upstairs.

"Almost feel sorry for him." Dipper murmured as he watched the two ascend the stairs.

* * *

After 15 minutes of 'Big Sister' Mabel's makeup and hair sessions, Bill was ready to face those cookies in return for his freedom.

"OW! Shooting Star, I'm a boy!"

"So?" Mabel mumbled as she applied lipstick to his face.

"I remember enough about humans to know that its the females that where the makeup!" he said, struggling to get away from her.

"Aaaand done!" Mabel admired her handiwork as she held up a mirror.

Bill took one look at his reflection and dropped the mirror with a horrified yelp. He frantically clawed at his face trying to get the infernal stuff off. Mabel giggled hysterically.

"You should have seen your face!" she clutched her stomach and fell over laughing.

"It's _because_ I saw my face that I'm acting like this!" He searched frantically for some way to clean himself.

* * *

"HELP!"

Bill dashed downstairs, screaming his lungs out as Mabel chased him with a curling iron.

"Come on, Bill! Just a little curl!"

"No way!"

He ran to the still reading Dipper and held him up like a human shield.

"Take Pine Tree instead!" Bill yelled, offering the wide-eyed boy as sacrifice.

"Oh, wow, look at the time, gotta go help Ford!" Dipper rushed to the vending machine before Mabel to catch him.

The distraction was enough to let Bill escape. He bolted out the front door. A few minutes later, Mabel found him in a tree with branches that were too high up for her to climb. She was really enjoying having someone new to mess around with. Playing with Bill was like having another Dipper, except he was bigger and less used to her antics.

"Come down, Bill!"

"Not happening!"

"I won't put anymore makeup or try anymore hairstyles on you. Scout's honor!"

"Yeah right! Last time you said that, Stan ended up at the top of a water tower!"

"For realsies this time!"

"NO!"

* * *

2 hours later, Mabel went back outside to check on Bill, she found him dozing off in the tree. How he even managed to get comfortable enough up there was beyond her. She had gone back inside to retrieve her _secret weapon_.

The infamous airhorn.

She put a pillow underneath Bill's branch, taking her best guess as to where he would land. Plugging her ear with one hand and holding the airhorn with the other, Mabel pressed the button. The sound was loud enough to jolt Bill awake and send him falling out of the tree. The pillow did next to nothing to soften the fall.

Groaning, Bill sat up, looking around groggily. His gaze landed on the grinning Mabel. He laid back down.

 _Why are all human females so scary?_

"Do your worst, Shooting Star. I don't care anymore."

"Nah, I'm done. I just wanted to see how long you'd last against the _Power of Mabel_!" She gestured to herself proudly.

"What time is it?" Bill asked.

"'Bout 3:30. Why?" Mabel asked as she sat down cross-legged next to him.

"Just wanted to know when Maria would be coming back."

"Oh yeah, that reminds me!" she ran inside and came back wearing a pink baseball cap with a heart on it and a matching sweater.

"What's with the getup?" Bill asked as he sat up.

Mabel sat down and scrutinized Bill as a doctor would their patient.

"I noticed that first day you got here that you seem to have a certain fondness for a friend of mine."

"Depends. Which friend?" Bill asked slowly, knowing what she was getting at.

"Grenda."

Bill sputtered a bit "What?! No way!"

"I'm kidding." she said, waving a hand dismissively. "I know you like Maria."

"Is it that obvious?" he asked quietly.

"It is when you make it that obvious. I mean, come _on_. That night in the clearing, I saw your face when you looked at her. That was almost _Dipper_ creepy." she snickered saying that last part.

"Well, if its that obvious, why didn't _she_ notice?"

"I don't know. I guess she just passed it off as you being weird ol' you." she shrugged, then pointed at herself. "Anyway, _I_ am going to help you win her over."

* * *

Maria went back to the Shack a little after 5:30. She knocked on the door and waited for someone to open it. She heard what sounded like Bill's voice saying "This is never going to work", only to be shushed by what sounded like Mabel.

Dipper was the one answer the door with a somewhat exhausted look on his face.

"Hey Maria. Come on in." he turned towards the hall yelling "She's back!"

Maria stood in the living room doorway as Mabel walked in trumpeting a fanfare with her hands cupped around her mouth.

"Presenting... Bill Cipher!" She posed, gesturing towards the kitchen.

"I am NOT doing this!" Bill yelled back.

Mabel went into the kitchen and came back leading a grumpy Bill by the hand. His hair was gelled back in what Maria assumed was supposed to be fancy. He was holding his top hat in his right hand and trying to get the gel out of his hair with his left. He was wearing what looked like one of Stan's suits, but it was covered head-to-toe in pink glitter.

"Ta-da!" Mabel chirped.

Maria gawked. Ford walked into the room and followed Maria's gaze to where Bill was standing. He burst out laughing.

"Ha-ha! Oh man, that made my day. Seeing him reduced to _this_ is priceless!" Ford laughed even harder as Bill glared at him.

"Way to rub it in, Sixer." Bill said dryly.

Ford calmed down long enough to talk to Mabel

"Hey, Mabel, could you do Stanley next?" Ford whispered loudly while looking towards the kitchen.

"I heard that!" Stan yelled.

"I already did Grunkle Stan." she said.

"Please tell me you have pictures." Ford smiled deviously, already planning out his act of revenge.

"Use them, and I'm posting your 'Mary had a Little Lamb' dance from when we were 9!" Stan yelled threateningly.

"Ma said she threw those tapes off a cliff!" Ford called back.

"She did," Stan shot back as he poked his head out of the kitchen. "I caught them!"

"Okay, that's enough, you two." Dipper said as he got in between them.

Ford squinted threateningly at the other before going back to his respective job. Stan stayed and walked out of the kitchen to sit on the couch with a bowl of popcorn. He was still wearing his Mr. Mystery outfit, but had it unbuttoned. He shot Dipper a look, to which the boy replied by nodding solemnly. Maria was still staring at Bill, a blank look on her face. Dipper snapped his fingers in front of her face, effectively bringing her back to reality. Her eyes fluttered a bit before focusing on him.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine..." Maria smiled, her gaze already floating back to Bill.

 _Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh..._ she repeated in her head.

A moment later she doubled-over giggling.

"So much for that idea." Bill grumbled darkly, watching Maria's hysterics.

"Ha! You owe me ten bucks, kid!" Stan yelled triumphantly, pointing his finger at Dipper.

"Wait for it..." Dipper said holding up a hand.

Maria stood up, wiping a tear from her eye. She crossed the room to the now fully embarrassed Bill and and still beaming Mabel.

"Why are you wearing all that?" Maria asked, covering her mouth to hold back another fit of laughter.

Bill shuffled around a bit until Mabel elbowed him and nodded encouragingly.

"To present a new and improved me to your...er... you." Bill muttered the lines Mabel gave him, changing the last bit from "To your loving eyes" to just "You".

"What? Why?"

"It was Shooting Star's idea!" he cried before running off in search of his pride.

"Alright, Mabel." Maria crouched down in front of the smiling girl, she mimicked a mob boss as she asked "Why'd ya do it?"

"I'm innocent I tell you!" Mabel swooned, further continuing the theatrics.

"She ain't spilling. We have to use our interrogation methods." Maria said before tickling Mabel to the ground.

"No! Mercy!" Mabel gasped in between giggles "Okay! I'll spill!"

Maria sat back, waiting for her answer.

"We wanted to surprise you." Mabel said, knowing she was only saying part of the truth.

"Oh is that so? Then why'd you have to have Bill dress up like dealer from Vegas?" Maria snickered.

"What's more surprising than that?"

"True. Okay, you're off the hook." Maria stood up. "Now where could he have gone..?"

"Probably up a tree." Mabel replied.

"What?"

"Here, I'll show you."

Mabel led the way to the tree in the front yard where Bill was perched miserably on his branch. Stan and Dipper watched from the porch.

"Look kid, you already lost. Now hand over my money." Stan said impatiently.

"It's not over yet." Dipper replied simply.

The girls stood near the tree, looking at Bill's defeated form. He glanced at them and turned the other way.

"He's like a cat." Maria joked. An idea dawned on her. She muttered a spell and Bill was transformed into a little gold kitten with a top hat on his head and a bow tie pattern on his neck. The kit mewled in agitation then tried to walk on its new-found feet, only to slip and fall right into Mabel's waiting arms.

"Oh my gosh, he's so cute!" Mabel proclaimed as she hugged him. Bill struggled against her.

"Give him here. I gotta get him home before he changes back." Maria took the kitten, who immediately calmed down and purred. "Aww, look at that. What a cute little kitty." she scratched behind his ears.

Mabel winked at the cat, who did the cat equivalent of a blush in response. He burrowed his head into the crook of Maria's arm and pretended to fall asleep. Maria shifted him a bit so that she could hold him and walk.

"Haha! Winner!" Dipper cried he turned to Stan. "Hand over the money."

Stan grunted "Here."

He gave Dipper a wad of bills. Dipper looked between them and Stan.

"Hey, what..? Is this Monopoly Money?"

"You actually thought I was going to give ya real money?" Stan guffawed.

"That's not fair!"

"Life's not fair, kid."

"I am _so_ bringing that gemloblin back here." Dipper vowed as he glared at Stan through narrowed eyes.

* * *

"Thanks for watching him for me." Maria said to Mabel as she walked to the edge of the drive.

"Anytime, sister." Mabel saluted.

"Oh, in that case, could you watch again every day for the rest of the week?"

"Sure!"

"Thanks. You're a lifesaver."

"Lifesaver... I could make a lifesaver sweater! Thanks Maria!" Mabel beamed as she ran back to the house, eager to get started on her new creation.

Maria chuckled. "Well, guess its just you and me again." she said to the little cat in her arms.

Bill sat there contentedly, not wanting to speak and ruin the moment.

* * *

 **Yeesh, that's a long one. I actually didn't plan for that. Oh well.**

 **Anyway, I'll update every Friday or Saturday from now on.**

 **So...any thoughts?**


	6. You need a shave

**Chapter 6, the calm before the storm.**

 **I know I said I'd update on Friday, but I found some extra time to finish this and decided to post it today. Chapter 7 will most likely be on Friday, though. You still remember why, right?**

* * *

2 weeks go by pretty quickly, too quickly for Maria's tastes. She had laid down some ground rules for Bill, which he followed for the most part, though he still often slept in her room even though he had his own. They'd had a chance to go shopping and get him some more clothes so that he had a bit more of a wardrobe. Maria had gotten used to having Bill around the house, despite his constant messes, but the majority of those had been sorted out after the first few days, including his ability to stay at home by himself.

His presence was welcome in her usually reclusive life, especially since the twins had left a few days ago, vowing to return next Summer. After they left, Stan was being booted out of the house, but after a bit of arguing, some magic, and a quick deal, Ford was convinced and they came to the compromise that Stan could stay... with the condition that the Mystery Shack's working hours be reduced.

"But that's perfectly good money down the drain!" Stan argued.

"Do you wanna stay or not?" Ford said. "It's either the hours or the Shack itself."

"Fine." Stan grudgingly replied "But I am dragging your butt out of the basement to help out."

" _What?_ "

"You need some time above ground, Poindexter. Seriously, have you _seen_ yourself?."

"I look fine, thank you very much."

"When was the last time you looked?" Stan deadpanned.

"...about a week and a half." Ford murmured, ashamed.

"That explains why you look like a ship wrecked sailor. This is _exactly_ why you need me. You seriously gotta shave."

"But-"

"Uh, guys?" Maria cut in.

She had been standing there through all the 'negotiations' as a mediator. Her first priority for visiting the old men was none other than Bill himself. He was getting stubble... no, wait, it was stubble _last_ week, when it actually looked _good_. By now, his beard could be considered full-on lumberjack. He wouldn't shut up about it "being itchy" or "feeling weird", at which point Maria would ignore him by reading a book, and he'd get her back by rubbing her hand on his face or waking her up in the morning with his 'scary-hairy' face.

Maria had set out in a red cardigan over a white blouse and jeans, her hair flowing out of a beige fedora. Bill had decided to leave his sweater at him and settled for a simple grey shirt with an eye very similar to his old one on the front. He had left his top hat at home, too, mostly because it kept falling off in the autumn breeze.

"I still don't see why we have to ask them." Bill grumbles, crossing his arms. "Girls shave their legs, so why can't you teach me?"

Maria put an arm around is shoulders, yanking him down to her height. "Oh yeah, yeah..." she said coolly, inspecting her nails before smacking him upside the head.

"Who's that?" Stan asked as Bill winced and rubbed his head.

"It's Bill." she replied.

"He looks like Blonde Ford 2.0."

"Hey!" Bill and Ford both cried at the same time.

The bickering started up with all three men yelling at each other at volumes that made the birds fly up from the trees. Maria briefly considered moving to Australia and leaving the three of them arguing for all eternity.

"SHUT IT!" she cried.

They immediately stopped and looked to her.

"I cannot _believe_ how immature you're being, all _three_ of you. Now, quit you're whining and shave, ya big babies!"

The men trudged inside the Shack with Maria following behind, her arms crossed.

"Hey Stan?" Ford whispered.

"Yeah, Ford?"

"Ma died, right?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You think she possessed Maria?"

The twins glanced back cautiously at the woman behind them.

"What are you looking at?" she sneered.

"Nothing." they quickly replied, turning around and straightening their backs.

"Nah." Stan finally said.

* * *

"Why do I have to be in here?!" Stan yelled, banging on the bathroom door.

Him, Ford, and Bill had been shoved into the upstairs bathroom by Maria and were currently lined up in front of the sink with Bill on the left, Ford in the middle, and a spot open on the right where Stan had been before he tried to convince Maria to let him go.

"When was the last time you shaved?" Maria yelled back.

"Wednesday!" Stan argued.

"It's Saturday, so I'm pretty sure you need another one!"

"Listen here, missy! I darn well know when I need to shave, and I don't care if Ma possessed you, you can't tell me otherwise!"

"Even if _you_ don't need to shave, _they_ don't know how, so it's up to you to teach them." Maria shot back.

"Why can't you just do it?!"

"One, I'm a _female._ Two, I am not teaching him anything that involves using the bathroom." she said with a hint of finality.

"That's not an excuse!" Stan countered.

"I'll pay you." she deadpanned.

"Alright, boys." he clapped his hands together, turning to the others. "Let's shave!"

* * *

"Ow!"

"So like..?"

"No, you idiot!"

"Yowch!"

"Maybe I could use this as a torture device..."

"NO!"

"Stop nipping yourself!"

"Is that my blood or yours?"

"I don't know, but if I got some sort of disease from it, I am sending you back where you came from!"

"How does this stupid thing work?!"

"How'd you forget how to shave?"

"I didn't forget how to shave, I forgot how to use a razor."

"Does this thing work on teeth?"

"Why would you use it on teeth?"

"Don't put it in your mouth!"

"Hey, that's mine! You do NOT use another man's razor!"

"Too late, just did!"

Maria tried to tune out the bickering with some TV, sadly it seemed as if they only got louder when she did so. After a while, it just stopped. She relished the silence for a good 5 seconds before she saw the three men standing in the doorway to the living room, their faces covered in blood, cuts, bandages, and paper. Maria took out her phone and snapped a picture.

"I'm sending this to Mabel."

 _Scrapbookertunity!_ was Mabel's swift reply.

"You better be paying me extra for this." Stan grumbled as he squinted at her.

"Oh yeah, here." she handed him some cash. " _Two whole dollars_."

"What?! Why I oughtta..."

Maria grabbed Bill. "Gottagobye!" she snapped her fingers and they disappeared along with all the cuts and scars on the old men's faces.

Stan felt his face as a note appeared in his hands. It read "All the cuts are gone, so that's about another $50."

"You sure Ma didn't possess her?" Ford asked as he eyed the money in Stan's hand.

* * *

Bill and Maria landed two feet outside of the Mystery Shack.

"Thank goodness it worked." Maria breathed a sigh of relief as she wiped her forehead.

She fell to the ground to catch her breath as Bill felt his face.

"What happened to all the blood?"

"I found this healing spell for small cuts a while back so I used it on you."

"Couldn't I have kept some of the blood?"

Maria shook her head and stood up.

"Come on, we should get home before they realize we're still here." Maria started walking back towards the house.

Bill ran a bit to catch up to where Maria got a head start.

"So... what do you think?"

"About what?" Maria laughed.

"About the shave. Do I look good?" he drawled as he ran a hand through his hair.

"Yeah, just dashing." she rolled her eyes, still smiling.

He grabbed her around the waist, turning her to face him.

"Dashing, you say?" he grinned smugly through half-lidded eyes.

"Easy there, _Mr. Smooth_. Just because you survived shaving doesn't make you James Bond. Now... let... go." she strained as she attempted to free herself.

"What if I said I don't want to?" he said as he tightened his hold.

Maria thought about it for a moment before pecking him on the cheek. Bill turned red, his smile dropping. His grip loosened just enough for her to escape. She ran off, leaving him dumbfounded in her wake.

"Race ya back! Loser has to clean the yard!" she called over her shoulder.

"That is so not fair!" he shot back before sprinting after her.

* * *

 **Yeah, I know it's shorter than the other chapters. (yelling can be heard offscreen)** **Well, if you wanted it to be a longer I could have added some horribly written filler.**

 **Just a warning, I'm shortening this fic to 8 or 9 chapters considering 7 is going to be the climax... well, as climactic as it can get in a story like this.**

 **Also, this fic will be posted as T the next time I update. The next chapter has some animal gore.**


	7. You care?

**Chapter 7, also known as The Reason Why This Story Is Now T.**

 **This chapter is a bit more serious than the others, and there's blood, so... yeah. Don't worry, nothing too graphic. Just putting it out there.**

 **This chapter features Bill's new-found caring side...kind of. Hmm...**

 **Also, longest chapter _evah._ Word count being about 3,568 rather than my usual 2,300, so prepare yourselves.**

* * *

Another week went by with Maria wishing that this was all a dream; that she would wake up to find the twins still there and the humanized triangle as nothing more than a figment of her imagination. Sadly, life seemed to be giving her the crystal clear message of _You wish!_

So to cope with it all, she decided to watch the horror movie marathon that was playing all through Saturday.

 _After all, those movies can't be any scarier than my own life, can they?_

She sat down on the couch in her pyjamas, a blanket on her lap, and a bowl of popcorn in hand. Bill had been surprisingly quiet all day. She hadn't seen hide nor hair of him.

About halfway through 'Friday the 13th' and in the middle of Maria's rant towards 'the ditz who opened the door', she heard loud knocking at the door. Thinking it might have been a door-to-door salesman selling something akin to 'Stan-vac', she ignored it and focused on the movie. A couple minutes later and the knocking was heard once again, louder this time.

Exasperated, Maria got up and checked the window... only to find no one there.

 _Are the kids around here that desperate for a ding-dong ditch?_

She opened the door in hopes of finding the perpetrators, prepared to cast a paralyzing spell. She poked her head out, and with a flash of blue, a screaming head appeared on the ground. Maria screamed and used the spell, freezing the head mid-screech. Her breathing was shallow as she she tried to process _what the fudge just happened_ when Bill's voice was heard from the rafters.

"It worked!" he cried as he jumped down.

"What worked?" Maria rasped, trying to recover from the near heart attack.

"Nothing much." he smiled broadly "Just that I got magic!" Cards popped out of his sleeves like a corny magician.

" _What_?"

"Yeah, I found out when I was cleaning the yard a couple days ago. There were these little blue sparks in my hand and- Hey, are you okay?"

Maria looked as white as a sheet, her eyes wide with realization and horror. She slammed the door shut and ran inside, hiding in the bedroom closet. She curled up into a ball.

 _It's all a dream. It's all a dream._

"Maria? Maria!" Bill could be heard searching the house.

She couldn't believe it. After all those weeks... he'd seen all her weaknesses, everything that she'd kept hidden from him... he knew and now he was in the physical realm. He could do whatever he wanted.

"Maria!"

He sounded closer now.

 _This is how it all ends. You idiot, why did you let your guard down?!_

The door opened. "Maria? Mar- Why are you in the closet?"

"You're back..." she whispered.

"What?" he arched an eyebrow, bending down to hear her better.

"You're back and you're in the physical realm and you can do whatever you want." she said as she started trembling.

Bill had no immediate response to that. Sure, he had his powers back, but not all of them. He could only conjure stuff up and maybe levitate a bit, but his magic was still significantly weak compared to hers. And if that wasn't reason enough to tell her what was going on, then the nervous wreck in front of him gave all the rest of the argument needed.

 _Now I can add guilt to my ever-growing list of emotions._

"Maria?" he called out gently.

"What are you going to do to me?"

"Let me thi- Wait, no. Maria, would ya stop freaking out? It's not even real magic." he explained as he knelt in front of her.

"Really?" she looked up at him.

"Yeah, nothing to worry about. At least, not in the way you're thinking."

"You don't have magic?" she asked, her voice small.

"Just a little, and even then its _extremely_ hard to do."

She nodded, getting her thoughts in order. Bill picked her up and took her back to her spot on the couch. He glanced at the TV to see what she was watching.

"Is that a horror movie?"

She swallowed painfully and nodded. "Yeah, why?"

"Wow, look at those effects. No wonder you're so jumpy." he grumbled that last part under his breath.

He sat down next to her and started channel surfing, trying to find something to bring the old Maria back. She was no fun in her current state. He kept flicking until the UTBAHC came up, showing a documentary about the Chupacabra.

"Hey, look! It's Chupie!" he exclaimed fondly.

Maria snorted, getting his attention. "The Chupacabra isn't real."

"Says the witch."

"It's been proven."

"By who? The scientists who don't know _you_ exist?"

She hesitated. "Okay, you have a point."

"And I'll have you know that he was one of my beloved pets. When was the last time I fed him..?" he trailed off, tapping a finger on his chin. "Oh, yeah. Back in the 1800s."

"Why'd you stop feeding him?"

"He got too big, so I let him live in the wild."

"The wild?" she questioned, unimpressed. "Where are Chupacabras indigenous to, exactly?"

"Dimension 32, I think."

She glared at him.

"Okay, I'll admit it's not the smartest move on my part."

"Ya think?"

* * *

Maria slept until 11:00am on Sunday. Bill had kept her up late last night when he refused to leave her alone. Becoming more bold with his attachment to her, he had attempted to sleep in her room, only to once again be thrown out.

He got slightly paranoid at one point, believing that Maria might have another horror movie induced panic attack, so he went up to check on her. She was perfectly fine, deep in peaceful slumber. Now that he was there, he didn't want to go back down, so he just crawled under the covers with her.

"Bill?" Maria asked groggily. "Why are you in my room?"

"I came to check on you." He mumbled, concerned.

Maria was pretty used to his shenanigans by now, so she just shrugged and moved over. Bill snuggled up close to her.

"Bill, please move." she said softly.

He moved back a bit.

"Further." she said.

He obliged.

"Further."

He scooted so far back that he fell off.

"That's good." she smiled.

Bill pulled the covers down to wrap around himself. Unfortunately (or good for him, I guess), he pulled Maria down on top of him.

"Oof!" Maria groaned. "Biiiiilll..."

"Sorry..." he mumbled with a smile on his face.

Maria tried to get up, only to get further tangled in the sheets.

"Forget it." she murmured as she snuggled into his chest "I'm sleeping here tonight...*yawn*...I'll just stay right here and crush you in my sleep."

"You know you're not that heavy, right?" he said.

"Not caring... Too busy sleeping..." And with that she fell asleep in her little cocoon as Bill wrapped his arms around her.

* * *

When Maria woke up, the first thing she noticed was that she was on the ground. She shrugged it off, thinking nothing of it.

 _Must have had a nightmare. Stupid horror movies._

Still, she felt like she was forgetting something. She made her bed and went to the bathroom. It was when she was rinsing her mouth did she remember.

 _Bill's probably hungry.. wait, where is he?!_

The blonde had gone to sleep with her and disappeared by the time she had woken up. Maria grew worried. She ran down the stairs in her pyjamas.

"Bill!" No reply.

She checked the basement. No sign of him. She checked the kitchen. Still clean. He wasn't anywhere in the house.

 _Wait... did he go outside..?_

Maria checked the back door and sure enough, it was open. Maria was in full-on panic mode as she ran into the forest, shouting his name. After a while, she found some blood on the ground. It led to a pile of teeth.

 _Bill..._

Maria fell to her knees and started to cry, then she heard some rustling coming from a nearby bush. Fearing it was the creature that killed Bill, she backed away, preparing herself for the worst.

"Maria, what happened?" Bill asked as he emerged from shrubbery "And why are you crying..?"

"B-Bill?" Maria sniffled in wonder "You're alive?"

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

"But the blood... and the teeth..." she glanced at the pile.

"Oh, um... I... uh, went hunting." Bill said nervously.

"What?" Maria asked, confused.

"Well, I wanted some deer teeth and when I tried to conjure them up, all I got was _baby_ teeth. So I went out to get some."

"Are you out of your mind?! That's insane!" Maria cried, now getting mad at him for scaring her.

"Sure I am, what's your point?" Bill said out of habit.

"Do you have any idea what you put me through?! I actually thought you were..." she trailed off, tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

Bill sat down next to Maria and hugged her in an attempt to calm her down. She wrapped her arms around his neck and sobbed into his shoulder. Eventually the sobs died down until they were just hiccups.

"So what I'm hearing," Bill started "is that you would be really upset if something happened to me."

"As if." she sniffled "I just can't stand the sight of blood."

 _Wait a minute..._

Maria pulled away to looked at Bill's pyjamas. He was covered in blood. She checked her own clothes, which were now also a blood-filled mess.

 _Those stains are never coming out. Rest in peace favourite PJs._

She sighed.

"Where's the dear you killed?" Maria asked tiredly.

Bill stood up and led her to a bush. He parted it to show a just barely alive deer with a bleeding mouth. Maria eyes watered and she immediately threw up.

"What is the matter with you? It's still alive!" Maria yelled at Bill.

Wincing, Bill replied "I guess I didn't hit it hard enough."

"That is _awful_!" she scolded "Seriously, that is absolutely sick..."

She summoned a hunting knife and gave it to him.

"Just... kill it properly, don't let it suffer anymore." she said, her voice growing quieter.

She looked away as he finished the job.

* * *

The two of them had to dispose of their blood covered clothes. Bill changed back into his sweater and jeans. Maria put on a denim jacket with matching pants, a blue-green brown-striped shirt, and a blue-green beanie over her head.

She used the old clothes to wrap the deer while she levitated it. It was given to the Corduroys as a present. Manly Dan had taken it while Wendy stayed outside to talk to Maria.

"So, I don't hear from you for a month and you come back with a carcass?" Wendy said as she gawked at the mutilated animal as it was carried inside.

"Yeah..." Maria shuffled uncomfortably.

"Dude, I thought you couldn't stand blood."

"I can't. Bill did it." Maria replied bitterly.

"Who's Bill?"

"He's staying at my place for a bit."

"You sure about that? I mean, if he did this, don't you think he could do the same to you?" Wendy said worriedly.

"I know what I'm doing. He's a big fat sicko, but he's nothing more to me than a pain."

"If you say so..."

Unbeknownst to them, Bill had been hiding in the bushes and heard every word. A tear of regret fell from his eye.

* * *

Maria had given Bill the cold shoulder for the rest of the day. He followed her around spouting apologies, which she pointedly ignored. She continued her chores as usual, not even acknowledging his existence if he tried to stand in her way, simply shoving past him.

By afternoon, Bill had given up. He stayed in the basement, trying to think of some way to make it up to her.

Maria was glad he had decided to leave her alone. She sat in the living room as she looked through one of her spell books, wondering which one she should practice today. She finally decided on teleportation, figuring she needed to perfect it at some point. She gathered her supplies in a backpack and left for her training area.

Upon reaching the clearing, she raised the rock wall and sat down, reading the page over a few times to ensure maximum chance of success.

 _Ready... 3, 2, 1, jump!_

Maria snapped her fingers and disappeared with a puff of purple smoke. She reappeared twenty feet away from where she originally stood and collapsed.

"20 feet," she panted "Not bad."

She kept practicing, jumping from one end of the clearing to the other.

* * *

Bill was searching through his memories for some sort of way to sufficiently apologize to Maria. She seemed to hate him even more than before now.

 _List of things human females..er, girls like:_

 _1\. Chocolate_

 _2\. Flowers_

 _3\. Appreciation_

 _WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE FIGURED ALL THIS OUT EARLIER, YOU IDIOT?!_

After sufficiently beating himself up for his stupidity, he decided that flowers were the only option right now, so he went upstairs. Upon leaving, he noticed the back door was unlocked.

 _Guess Maria wanted some fresh air._

* * *

After half an hour, Bill had a cute little bouquet of daisies. His flower-picking had led him to the same clearing Maria had brought him to that first day. The walls were raised and there were faint plumes of purple smoke coming out the top so he figured she must be in there.

He figured he might as well practice what he would say to her while waiting.

"Umm, Maria? I'm sorry.. No, I apologize for upsetting you... No, um, I'm sorry for killing the deer..."

* * *

Maria had been teleporting herself for 2 hours in hopes of improving. She now had the assurance that going 60 ft wouldn't be too much of a problem. She started to think about the events of the past few weeks.

"Stupid Cipher."

Snap, jump.

"Heartless as ever!" She stomped around pulling at her hair. "Erghh!"

Snap, jump.

"Why did I believe he would change..?" She sniffled tears threatening to fall from her eyes.

She wasn't properly focusing at this point, so when she snapped her fingers, she appeared in the air, not knowing where or how far above the ground she was.

She screamed, bracing for impact.

* * *

"...I didn't mean to upset you? No, umm, how 'bout..." Bill was still muttering to himself about how to apologize.

"Oh, forget it!" he screeched in a fit of anger. He threw the flowers to the ground. He started yelling, hands balled into fists at his sides.

"Why should I care if she hates me? Tons of people hate me! Why should _she_ be any different?!" He was shaking his hands in front of him, almost as if _they_ were the ones he who could answer.

Just then, he heard screaming and barely had time to register it when Maria fell from above and landed in his outstretched arms. She held his neck and pulled herself against him tightly, eyes closed the whole time. His heart immediately fluttered and started beating faster.

 _Oh, yeah,_ he thought dryly, _That's why._

Maria was breathing heavily, her thoughts racing. The fall had scared her, but on top of that, she had no idea where she was or what she was holding on to. For all she knew, she had teleported herself off a cliff. She had started flailing for something to hold onto. A branch, a rock, _something_ , when she had landed on something. No, more like _in_ something. She had blindly grabbed on to it before impact, gripping it tightly for fear of falling off. She didn't really care what it was so long as she stopped falling.

After a moment, her breathing slowed a bit but her thoughts were still whizzing around in her head. She attempted to get a general idea of her situation.

 _Breathe... calm down. Take stock. Open your eyes, don't look down._

Maria loosened her grip a bit, but upon doing so, she felt whatever she was in shift slightly. She couldn't bring herself to open her eyes, her fear still strongly present.

 _It's quiet, not too quiet; still in the forest, should be in a tree._

She felt around with her hands a bit. The thing moved again.

 _Is this hair? What am I holding on to?!_

Maria opened her eyes and found herself face to face with none other than Bill Cipher, looking at her with no small amount of apprehension. She grimaced.

"The universe must have a sense of humor," she muttered darkly, and pushed herself away from him.

Bill put her down and Maria found she was only a mere 20 feet away from the clearing. She stomped back, already preparing herself to lower part of the wall and enter. Bill was a bit dazed by what just happened and it took him a while to catch up to her.

"Maria, wait!" he called.

"Go away." she called back coldly, not pausing her stride.

"Why won't you talk to me?" he asked, walking closely behind her.

She abruptly turned around and slapped him.

"What part of 'go away' do you not understand?" she hissed.

Bill cupped his injured cheek as she let herself in. He managed to squeeze through before the opening closed.

"Maria come on, it was just a deer!" he said, hoping she would realize she was overreacting.

Maria froze, back still turned to him.

"Is that really what you think?" she asked.

"Well, yeah." he said.

She turned her head a bit. "That may have 'just been a deer', but you _killed it_."

"Animals get killed all the time. I don't see what you're getting all mad about."

She turned around, taking an aggressive stance. Flames ignited in her eyes.

"Maybe I wouldn't be so mad if you had shown it some humanity!" she screamed.

Bill took an involuntary step back.

"You pulled the teeth out of a creature that was still perfectly well alive! A creature that could feel the pain of _every single tooth_ being pulled out! I bet you even _enjoyed_ it's misery!" she cried.

He looked down and shuffled uncomfortably.

"And here I am thinking that you'd changed." She spat before laughing bitterly, the flames in her eyes taking on a bluish hue. "What a stupid sap I was, believing that you would- no, _could_ be good. That you could be _human_. What happened this morning just showed me that I was wrong. Bill Cipher will forever be sadistic torturer we all know and _hate_."

Bill felt his heart break with how much venom she put into that one word. "Maria, no, wait. I-"

"I _actually_ trusted you! I actually started to..." she trailed off before her fury came came back full force. "I should have known better than to think that someone- no, some _thing_ that has been living like that for centuries would actually change within a few weeks!"

Maria was crying now, tears streaming down her cheeks. Bill watched as she fell to her knees, holding her head in her hands. He felt his heart break a little more with how defeated she looked.

"What's stopping you from doing it again? What's stopping you from torturing more creatures the same way? I'm sure you'd just _love_ to hear the screams of the townsfolk as you did the same to them. You could just spill all the blood you want with nothing but a rock..."

"You." he stated simply.

Maria looked up through teary eyes.

"What?" she asked, her voice tight with emotion.

"Maria, I've been human for barely a month, but a lot's happened in that time."

He took a tentative step forward.

"I could have killed you in your sleep that first night with a knife from the kitchen."

Another careful step.

"I could have butchered the entire town and felt the euphoria of the blood on my hands as I mutilated their bodies."

He took another step.

"But I didn't... because the thought of upsetting you wouldn't let me."

Maria watched as he sat down in front of her.

"I... I fell for you that first night, both literally and figuratively. Whenever I was around you, and I wasn't feeling fear or adrenaline, I... felt... love."

* * *

 **The chapter is really getting long so I am going to cut it off here.**

 **Is it just me or did I just write a sitcom-turned-soap-opera? Also, wondering if this is a bit rushed, or did I stretch it out? Not really sure...**

 **So I'd really like to know what y'all be thinking, my peeps.**


	8. You have Shipping Senses?

**Chapter 8**

 **Here is the second part of the last chapter. I am on a writing roll! The next chapter's written out too, but that's not going to be up until tomorrow.**

 **One thing before you read this, I wasn't really sure where to put this line, but it's what Bill is thinking as he confesses.**

 ** _Soap Opera dialogues, don't fail me now._**

* * *

"What?" Maria asked softly as she stared at the man before her.

"Maria..." Bill sighed. He swallowed his pride and looked her in the eye. "I'm sorry for killing the deer and upsetting you. I care about you... like, for realsies. It's why I wanted to get the teeth for you in the first place."

She wiped away her tears. "Why would you think I wanted deer teeth?"

"I don't know. Pyronica said it would be a good idea."

"Who?"

"Someone I knew. She said that if you want to impress a girl, give her teeth." He shrugged "So... am I forgiven?"

Maria sniffed, wiping away tears. "I think you're forgetting something."

"Um... oh yeah. I'm sorry for all the horrible things I did to you before I became human."

"And..?"

"And for ruining your pyjamas."

"And..?" She moved closer to him.

"And for dropping your laundry in the mud last week."

"And..?" She shifted closer so that her face was directly in front of his.

"Um." He grew flustered, staring into her wide brown eyes. "Uh...f-forcing you t-to take c-care of me?"

"Moron," Maria giggled before depositing a quick kiss on his lips.

Bill smiled goofily, little hearts practically visible around his face. Maria squeaked as the extra weight of the dazed blonde fell on her.

"Bill?" she asked.

"Hugs and kisses..." he murmured dreamily.

"You want me to carry you?"

"Lovely human emotions..."

"I'll take that as a yes."

Maria's magic was drained from training all day, so she just wrapped and arm around his waist and put one of his arms around her shoulders. She made it about two steps before falling over on her stomach, Bill following her down and crushing her as he landed.

"Biiilll, get off." she wheezed as Bill came back to reality.

"What? Oh, sorry."

He got off and helped her up. She dusted herself off as she turned to face him.

"Can I get another kiss now?" he asked.

"I have a better idea. How's about we start over?" she said as she extended a hand in greeting. She put a fist over her mouth as she cleared her throat. "Ahem. Hello, good sir. I think we got off on the wrong foot. My name is Maria Woodgrove. What's yours?"

He returned the gesture, gripping her hand and shaking it. "Greetings, Ms. Woodgrove. My name is Bill Cipher."

* * *

Mabel looked up from her homework, feeling a disturbance in the force.

"My Shipping Senses are tingling," she whispered cryptically.

"You sure you don't just need to go to the bathroom, again? I mean, you drank a _lot_ of water when we got home from school," her brother replied, looking up from his sheet of algebra.

"Okay, one: I drank all that water because I was busy telling all my friends about the Summer. Two: I went before we started working, and three: I _do_ have Shipping Senses, dear brother of mine."

"Uh huh... Excuse me, but I need to borrow your 'skepticals'." Dipper made glasses with his fingers.

"Watch, I'll prove it to you." She left and came back a few moments later with her phone.

"Who are you calling?"

"You'll see."

Mabel put the phone on speaker and the two of them listened to the dial tone ring out before it was answered by Maria's snickering voice.

"No, put me _down!_ SOS! Ahem, sorry. Hello, Maria speaking."

"Hey, Maria. It's Mabel. Just calling to ask you something."

"Sure, what is it?"

"Are you and Bill an item now?"

The line went quiet.

"Hello?" Mabel called into the phone.

"How'd you figure that out from all the way in Piedmont?" Maria asked.

"Heyo! Called it!" Mabel cheered, shoving the phone in her twin's face.

"What?!" Dipper asked in shock. "How did that happen?"

"Oh, um, uh..." Maria stammered on the other end, followed by a string of giggles.

"Winner!" Bill's voice could be heard on the other end, cheering as if he'd won the World Cup.

"Cheater!" was Maria's muffled cry. "Sorry, guys. You were saying?"

"What's going on over there?" Dipper asked.

"Pillow fight," she answered simply "Winner gets the remote."

"Maria?" Mabel asked.

"Yeah?"

"Could you put Bill on the line?"

"Sure."

There was some rustling as the phone was being passed around. "Who is it?" Bill asked.

"It's Mabel," Maria replied.

"Hey, Shooting Star!" Bill happily greeted from the other end.

"Hey Bill!"

There was a thumping sound followed by a "That's what you get for cheating!" from Maria.

There was some more shuffling as he picked the phone up off the ground.

"What were you saying again?" he asked, sounding a bit dizzy.

"You sound pretty beat up, man," Dipper said.

"Oh, hey Pine Tree. Wasn't I just talking to Shooting Star?"

"I am right here," Mabel said, trying to hold back her excited squeals. "And you, mister, have to tell me _all_ the details."

"About what?"

"About your relationship!"

Another thud was heard. The voices could be heard faintly.

"What happened?" Maria sounded concerned.

"I think something possessed Shooting Star," Bill practically hissed.

"What?"

"She has psychic abilities!"

"No she doesn't!"

"Yeah she does. She knew about us, and that only happened an hour ago!"

More shuffling.

"Guys?" Mabel asked. "You still there?"

"Yeah, we're still here." Maria's voice came in clearer as she put the phone on speaker. "Bill's pretty spooked now—"

"Who are you and what have you done to the real Shooting Star?!" Bill yelled.

"It's still Mabel, ya big goof!"

"Yes, O Yellow One!" Mabel cried. "My Shipping Senses astound all!"

"What astounds me is that they actually _worked_ this time," Dipper said with an unimpressed look.

" _Anyway,_ " she continued. "Can I be the planner for your wedding?"

Another thud.

"M-Mabel," Maria gulped. "It's a-a bit early to be thinking about th-that isn't it?"

"It is never too early!" Mabel cried triumphantly.

"Oh, is that the microwave I hear?" Bill cut in. "I'll just go and get it..."

"No!" the girl cried. "We still need to talk details!"

"Ohwowlookathetimemovie'sstartinggottagobyeMabes!" Maria said as she hung up.

"Aw man!" Mabel slumped in her chair. "I didn't even get to ask how he managed to charm her."

"And here I thought my life couldn't get any weirder," Dipper said.

"What do you mean?"

"Bill used to be a psychopathic, floating yellow triangle who haunted our dreams, and now he's human and in a relationship with one of our best friends. And to top it all off, you somehow managed to predict all that."

"Huh. Never really thought about it like that..."

"And you know what's even weirder?"

"What?"

"I could say all that with a straight face."

* * *

 ***shotgun clicks offscreen***

 **Wait! Before you all attack me for that sorry excuse for angst- *dodges tomato* I saw that, Stan!**

 **Stan: Boo! Get off the stage!**

 **You think you can do better?**

 **Stan: Watch me.**

 _ **Maria sucker-punched Bill who started crying. She left him there and went back to her old life. The End.**_

 **Stan: See that?**

 **What is _that?_**

 **Stan: What does it look like? It's writing gold, woman!**

 **Whatever saves your pride, Stan. *pats his shoulder* *Looks up* TOMATO BARRAGE INCOMING! *grabs him and hides behind SWAT shield***

 **Do I still have to ask what you all think?**


	9. The Ending

**The Ending.**

 **I guess this chapter _could_ count as an epilogue of sorts..? I don't know. **

* * *

5 years later...

"Guys! You're back!"

Maria ran up and hugged the half-awake seventeen-year-old twins as they stepped off the bus.

"Oh man I missed you so much!" With that, she gave them an extra squeeze.

"Missed you too, Maria," Dipper rasped. "Could you let us go? We need to get to the Shack."

"Oh, right, sorry."

She let go and stepped back, beaming happily. She wore simple blue overalls with a pink T-shirt, her hair tied up in a ponytail. The brunette seemed oddly hyper.

"Maria, are you feeling okay?" Mabel slowly asked as she rubbed a fist in her eye.

"Yeah, never better," the woman replied as she bounced a bit.

"Okay..." Dipper said hesitantly. He reached for his bags "I'm just gonna take my stuff and go..."

"Ooh! That reminds me!" Maria cried "I gotta show you something."

"Can't it wait until we unpack?" Mabel asked groggily.

"Nope!" came the chirpy reply. She gathered all of their stuff and levitated it behind a tree as they followed. "Ready?"

The twins were seriously confused. They don't see Maria for, what? Three years, and _this_ is what happens? They realized they didn't answer her question as she looked at them expectantly, already taking their silence as a yes.

"What did you want to show us, exactly?" Dipper asked.

"This!" Maria snapped her fingers and the three of them appeared on the Mystery Shack's back porch in a flash of purple smoke.

"Holy—!" Stan's lounge chair fell backwards as he choked on his soda.

"I finally got teleportation down! Whoo!" Maria ran circles around them, arms in the air as she celebrated her victory.

The twins leaned on each other, slightly dizzy from the experience. Ford walked out, his own can of soda in hand. He took in the scene in front of him and sighed as he shook his head.

"You okay, Stanley?" he asked his disgruntled brother.

"Sure, I nearly got a heart attack, but I'm _fine_ ," Stan replied sarcastically as he coughed.

"You'd think you'd be used to it by now," Ford said as he patted Stan's back.

"Are we missing something here?" Dipper asked as he looked over at them, his head still spinning.

"Oh, hello Dipper, Mabel. When did you get here?" the old man asked as he looked up.

"We just got off the bus, actually," the boy said tiredly.

"Maria was the first to see us," Mabel cut in as she lazily gestured to the still sprinting woman.

"Hey Ford!" Maria said happily. "The twins are back! Didja see them?" She disappeared and reappeared closer to him. "Didja, didja, didja?" She kept teleporting closer and closer with every word until she was uncomfortably close. Cue sweat drop falling from the back of Ford's head.

"Maria!" Bill's voice was heard in the distance, getting closer. He emerged from the bushes dressed in his signature sweater and top hat combo. Upon seeing Maria, he immediately breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank goodness. You found her."

"Hey Bill! See the twins?" She straightened herself and waved. "They got back a few minutes ago. I got to the bus stop first!" She pointed at herself proudly.

Bill walked up to the Shack, sneaking cautious glances at the at the ball of pep that bounced around the porch.

"Hi, Shooting Star. Hi, Pine Tree." The blonde lightly waved his hand in greeting, smiling nervously.

"Yeah, hi," Dipper said briskly. "Mind telling us what's going on?"

"I thought I was the only one who could get that hyper," Mabel said in awe as watched Maria.

"Uh, yeah. You see—" Bill started, only to be cut off.

"Can we get candy? Or how about pickles? I'm craving pickles." Maria rambled on about which food she was hungry for. She noticed the others looking at her and stopped. "Do I have something on my face?" she said as she attempted to peer at her own face. "Is it chocolate? I love chocolate. Can I have chocolate?" She looked at them all expectantly.

"We can get some chocolate on the way home," Bill said gently, as if trying to calm a feral dog.

"No! I don't wanna go home! Home is boring! I wanna run while I still can!" She made to run away until Bill caught her by the arm, stopping her in her tracks. "Can't catch me!" she said before she teleporting a few feet away. She ran off, leaving the others behind.

"Oh no..." Bill groaned, face-palming. He snapped his fingers, disappearing in a flash of blue.

Both sets of Pines twins were quiet for a moment as they stared at they spot they last saw him.

"What just happened?" Mabel asked, breaking the silence.

"She didn't tell you?" Stan said as he stood up.

"Tell us what?" Dipper asked as he narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"She's—" Ford's explanation was cut short as Maria reappeared next to Mabel.

"Leave me alone!" she cried before hiding behind the younger girl.

Bill appeared a little while after. "You can't keep running around like this. You're gonna hurt yourself!"

"I'll take Mabel hostage!"

"Wait, what?!" Mabel barely had time to react as Maria grabbed her arm and disappeared, leaving Dipper to fall over as the support of his twin was taken out from under him.

"Well, that's just _peachy_ ," Bill grumbled as he sat down on the front step, leaning his elbows on his knees.

"Okay, now I'm scared," Dipper said. He scanned at the others' faces. "Is there like, a ghost or something inhabiting Maria's body?"

"Oh, there sure is _something_ in her body." Stan's comment made Bill turn red and bury his face in his hands.

Stan shuffled inside the Mystery Shack, leaving Ford and Bill to explain everything. An awkward silence stretched out until Dipper's eyes widened in realization, the dots slowly connecting in his head.

"She's _pregnant?_ "

"Took ya long enough to figure it out," Bill said, his voice muffled behind his hands.

"How long?"

"Month and a half."

Ford nudged Bill with his soda as he sat down next to him. Bill took it and pressed it to his forehead.

"How long until she comes back with Mabel?" Dipper asked, now worried for his sister. He sat down next to Ford, holding his head in his hands and gazing out into the forest.

"I don't know," Ford answered hesitantly. "She took Stan last week and wouldn't tell us where he was until we gave her a giant bar of Cadbury."

"Best we can do is wait until she comes back with her list of demands," Bill sighed.

* * *

3 more years later...

"Hit the deck!"

Bill scooped up a clueless child from his crib and jumped behind the couch as the basement exploded in a flash of teal flames. A 3 year old girl crawled up, beaming proudly. She sat in the door frame as Maria trudged up the stairs, groaning audibly.

"You okay, Mommy?" the toddler asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine, sweetie," Maria coughed as she scooped the little girl into a hug. "Note: Never practice magic in the basement." She pulled the little girl away to look at her. "Think you can remember that?"

"Yes sir, Mommy sir!" the little girl chirped.

"Is it safe to come out yet?" Bill asked from his hiding place.

"All clear!" Maria called back.

Bill stood up, firmly clutching a babbling baby boy in his arms.

"Ba ba pbhlt!" the boy squealed as a small orange spark appeared in his hands.

"Oh no," Bill groaned.

"Y'know, I warned you about this _before_ Tilly was born," Maria said as she set Tilly on the ground.

"Yeah, I know, I know," he sighed as he put the baby back in his crib. "I just didn't think they'd start using magic this early."

"I'm pretty sure it has something to do with your 'bloodline'."

"Sure, blame the dream demon."

"Whatever. Just be glad they can't read yet. That's when the _real_ trouble starts."

Bill had opened his mouth to reply when there was a small thudding sound. The couple looked around to see Tilly happily playing with her toys on the ground, and Lenny missing from his crib. No sooner had they realized this than a drop of spit fell on Maria's shoulder. The three of them stared up at the the gurgling baby, who was stuck to the ceiling as naturally as if he was lying on the ground, a strand of saliva dangling from his mouth.

"Wooow." Tilly gazed up at her brother, who giggled in response.

"Wonder what #3's gonna be like..." Maria murmured.

Bill tore his gaze away from the baby to look at her. "What?!"

"Heh..." Maria laughed nervously, hiding her hands behind her back. "I, uh, didn't t-tell you?"

* * *

"I don't think that turned out the way you wanted it to, sir," a man in a futuristic suit said.

"I know," Time Baby replied. "But at least he's not bothering me anymore."

"Might I ask you something, sir?"

"What?"

"Why did you send him to her in the first place?"

Time Baby shrugged. "I thought she would beat him to a pulp. This turned out better than I thought it would."

* * *

 **An thus ends my weird little story.**


End file.
